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    1. This is the ans­we­ring machi­ne of wvs.
      I am asleep. 
      (this is a time-delay­ed, auto­ma­ted answer .... )
      Your mes­sa­ge is high­ly appreciated.
      I am sor­ry, but I am curr­ent­ly unavailable.
      Plea­se check back tomor­row for an ans­wer to your posting.
      Thank you for your patience.

      If this did cau­se an incon­ve­ni­ence we advi­se you that our lwayers 
      are more expe­ri­en­ced and you would loo­se any lawsu­it you may be tempt­ed to start ....

    3. This is the auto­ma­ted ans­we­ring machi­ne of wvs.
      Your mes­sa­ge is high­ly appreciated.
      I am sor­ry, but I am curr­ent­ly unavailable.
      Plea­se check back tomor­row for an ans­wer to your posting.
      Thank you for your patience.

      If this did cau­se an incon­ve­ni­ence we advi­se you that our lwayers 
      are more expe­ri­en­ced and you would loo­se any lawsu­it you may be tempt­ed to start ....

    5. This is the auto­ma­ted laug­hing machi­ne of wvs.
      Can you see me chuckle?
      Your mes­sa­ge is high­ly appreciated.
      I am sor­ry, but wvs curr­ent­ly unavailable.
      Plea­se check back tomor­row for an ans­wer to your posting.
      Thank you for your emoticon.

      If this did cau­se an incon­ve­ni­ence we advi­se you that our lwayers 
      are more expe­ri­en­ced and you would loo­se any lawsu­it you may be tempt­ed to start ....

      Our lawy­ers will sub­poe­na you as wit­ness if necessary.

  2. Wenn schon out-of-office-rep­ly... ...dann aber die­se hier bitte:

    Best Out of Office Auto Replies

    1. I am curr­ent­ly out at a job inter­view and will rep­ly to you if I fail to get the posi­ti­on. Be pre­pared for my mood.

    2. You are recei­ving this auto­ma­tic noti­fi­ca­ti­on becau­se I am out of the office. If I was in, chan­ces are you wouldn't have recei­ved anything at all.

    3. I will be unable to dele­te all the unread, wort­hl­ess emails you send me until I return from holi­day on 4 April. Plea­se be pati­ent and your mail will be dele­ted in the order it was received. 

    4. Thank you for your email. Your cre­dit card has been char­ged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each addi­tio­nal word in your message.

    5. The e-mail ser­ver is unable to veri­fy your ser­ver con­nec­tion and is unable to deli­ver this mes­sa­ge. Plea­se restart your com­pu­ter and try sen­ding again.'(The beau­ty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-vidu­als did this over and over). 

    6. Thank you for your mes­sa­ge, which has been added to a queu­ing system. You are curr­ent­ly in 352nd place, and can expect to recei­ve a rep­ly in appro­xi­m­ate­ly 19 weeks.

    7. I've run away to join a dif­fe­rent circus.

    AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

    8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medi­cal rea­sons. When I return, plea­se refer to me as ' Mar­ga­ret ' instead of 'Ste­ve'.

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