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P: pilot on aircraft's per­for­mance
S: main­ten­an­ce engineer's ans­wer to pilots remarks ....


> P: Left insi­de main tire almost needs repla­ce­ment.
> S: Almost repla­ced left insi­de main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not instal­led on this air­craft.
>
> P: Some­thing loo­se in the cock­pit.
> S: Some­thing tigh­te­ned in the cock­pit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on winds­hield.
> S: Live bugs on back­or­der.
>
> P: Auto­pi­lot in alti­tu­de-hold mode pro­du­ces a 200 feet per minu­te descent.
> S: Can­not repro­du­ce pro­blem on ground.
>
> P: Evi­dence of a leak on the right main lan­ding gear.
> S: Evi­dence remo­ved.
>
> P: DME volu­me unbe­liev­a­b­ly loud.
> S: DME volu­me reset to a more believ­a­ble level.
>
> P: Fric­tion locks cau­se thrott­le levers to stick.
> S: That's what fric­tion locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inope­ra­ti­ve in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inope­ra­ti­ve in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspec­ted crack in winds­hield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: The num­ber 3 engi­ne is mis­sing.
> S: Engi­ne found on right wing after a brief search.
>
> P: Air­craft hand­les fun­ny.
> S: Air­craft war­ned to strai­gh­ten up, fly right and be serious.
>
> P: Tar­get radar hums.
> S: Repro­gram­med tar­get radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mou­se in cock­pit.
> S: Cat instal­led.
>
> P: Noi­se com­ing from under the instru­ment panel. Sounds like a mid­get poun­ding on some­thing with a ham­mer.
> S: Took ham­mer away from the mid­get.


Ori­gi­nal text from QUANTAS Air­line
- the air­line that up to now never had an acci­dent ....