bookmark_borderIt's called perspective ....

Three women die tog­e­ther in an acci­dent and go to heaven.
When they get the­re, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in hea­ven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter hea­ven, and sure enough, the­re are ducks all over the place. It is almost impos­si­ble not to step on a duck, and alt­hough they try their best to avo­id them, the first woman acci­den­tal­ly steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them tog­e­ther and says,
"Your punish­ment for step­ping on a duck is to spend eter­ni­ty chai­ned to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps acci­den­tal­ly on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is ano­ther extre­me­ly ugly man. He chains them tog­e­ther with the same admo­nish­ment as for the first woman.

The third woman has obser­ved all this and, not wan­ting to be chai­ned for all eter­ni­ty to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful whe­re she steps. She mana­ges to go months wit­hout step­ping on any ducks. One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most hand­so­me man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelas­hes, mus­cu­lar, and thin. St. Peter chains them tog­e­ther wit­hout say­ing a word.

The hap­py woman says,
"I won­der what I did to deser­ve being chai­ned to you for all of eternity?"

The guy replies,
"I don't know about you, but I step­ped on a duck!


[cre­dits: John G.]

bookmark_borderTom, a handsome dude ....

Tom, a hand­so­me dude, wal­ked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blon­de at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 o'clock news was on. The news crew was cove­ring a sto­ry of a man on a ledge of a lar­ge buil­ding pre­pa­ring to jump.
The blon­de loo­ked at Tom and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Tom says,
"You know, I bet he'll jump.
The blon­de replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Tom pla­ced a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blon­de pla­ced her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the buil­ding, plum­me­ting to his death. The blon­de was very upset and han­ded her $20 to Tom, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money.
Tom replied,
"I can't take your money, I saw this ear­lier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump.

==> HERE COMES THE BLONDE PART!!

The blon­de replies,
"I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Tom took the money ....

bookmark_borderRächen Sie sich ....

auf sub­ti­le Wei­se für die klei­nen und gro­ßen Ärger­nis­se - anstatt nur zu schimp­fen kön­nen Sie sich mit ein­fa­chen Mit­teln wehren ....


For exam­p­le

  • Someone out the­re over­pays his par­king tickets by 3 cents to force his local par­king aut­ho­ri­ty to cut him refund checks.
  • Someone out the­re sends back unwan­ted "busi­ness rep­ly" enve­lo­pes weigh­ted down with sheet metal, so the mailers will have to pay the postage.
  • Someone out the­re was fed up with a col­le­ague who kept hel­ping hims­elf to her lunch coo­kies, so she repla­ced them with dog bis­cuits that loo­ked like biscotti.
  • And of cour­se the indi­vi­du­al who so hates when shop­pers care­less­ly block traf­fic by aban­do­ning their shop­ping carts as they wan­der else­whe­re down the ais­les, that he dis­creet­ly drops con­doms and razor refills as a litt­le "cour­te­sy tax" on them. 

[Quel­le; Autor: Ian Urbina]

bookmark_borderBitte laut lesen .... !

Tech sup­port:
"Okay Bob, let's press the con­trol and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the midd­le of the screen. Now type the let­ter "P" to bring up the Pro­gram Manager."

Cus­to­mer:
I don't have a P.

Tech sup­port:
On your key­board, Bob.

Cus­to­mer:
What do you mean?

Tech sup­port:
"P".....on your key­board, Bob.

Cus­to­mer:
I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!


["to pee" = (umgangs­sprach­lich) "pin­keln"]


Noch einer:

Tech sup­port:
How may! I help you?

Cus­to­mer:
I'm wri­ting my first e-mail.

Tech sup­port:
OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Cus­to­mer:
Well, I have the let­ter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the cir­cle around it?

bookmark_bordere-mail-virus identified ....

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail-virus. Even
the most advan­ced pro­grams from Nor­ton or McA­fee can­not take care of this one. It appears to affect tho­se who were born pri­or to 1965.

Sym­ptoms:

  1. Cau­ses you to send the same e-mail twice,
    done that!
  2. Cau­ses you to send a blank e-mail,
    that too!
  3. Cau­ses you to send e-mail to the wrong person,
    yep!
  4. Cau­ses you to send it back to the per­son who sent it to you,
    oooops!
  5. Cau­ses you to for­get to attach the attachment,
    well darn!
  6. Cau­ses you to hit "SEND" befo­re you've finished.
    no - not again!
  7. Cau­ses you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND",
    and I just hate that!
  8. Cau­ses you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE",
    Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."*

[cre­dits: John G.]
*[C-NILE => "seni­le"]

bookmark_borderBrief an die US-Einkommensteuerbehörde (IRS) ....


" .. Dear IRS,
Enc­lo­sed is my 2005 tax return show­ing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Plea­se note the atta­ched artic­le from USA Today, whe­r­ein you will see the Pen­ta­gon is paying $171.50 for ham­mers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toi­let seat.
I am enclo­sing four toi­let seats (value $2400) and six ham­mers (value$1029), brin­ging my total remit­ted to $3429.00.
Plea­se app­ly the over­payment of $22.00 to the "Pre­si­den­ti­al Elec­tion Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inex­pen­si­ve­ly by sen­ding them one 1.5" Phil­lips Head screw (artic­le from USA Today detailing
how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phil­lips Head Screws).
It has been a plea­su­re to pay my tax bill this year, and I look for­ward to paying it again next year.

Sin­ce­re­ly,

A Satis­fied Taxpayer .. "


[cre­dits: John G.]

bookmark_borderSix retired Irishmen ....

were play­ing poker in O'Leary's apart­ment when Pad­dy Mur­phy loses £500 on a sin­gle hand, clut­ches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Show­ing respect for their fal­len brot­her, the other five con­ti­n­ue play­ing stan­ding up.
Micha­el O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Peter Gal­lag­her picks the short one. They tell him to be dis­creet and gent­le, don't make a bad situa­ti­on any worse.
"Dis­creet? I'm the most disc!reet Irish­men you'll ever meet. Dis­creti­on is my midd­le name. Lea­ve it to me."
Peter goes over to Murphy's hou­se and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Mur­phy ans­wers and asks what he wants.
Peter decla­res: "Your hus­band just lost £500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Peter.


[via John G.]